back to basics

i consider my physics education incomplete. i suppose any honest physicist would; a scientist is typically intimately aware of their own lack of knowledge, but i think i mean it more literally than some of my other peers. my undergraduate education was interrupted in my junior year by the covid-19 outbreak, which stunted both the course content available in upper-level undergraduate physics, and the motivation i had to learn it. by then, i was already acclimated to astronomy research and excited about pursuing it. i threw all i had at preparing for graduate school, but consequently my attention and confidence in “classroom physics” waned, dramatically. i never formally took a linear algebra course (a key set of mathmatical tools used in almost all upper level physics, as well as my day-to-day research), and i skimmed through virtual upper level e&m and quantum physics lectures, remembering little. during and after the pandemic, i took an intense amount of personal responsibility in my research journey, but very little in my education. i was always told, “you’ll have to learn general relativity in graduate school, so there’s no point in teaching it now,” but my graduate program didn’t require a GR course, either because it wasn’t a high priority in a research focused program, or because it was assumed we had learned it already in undergrad. the buck was passed back and forth, between student and learner, between present and future, between world and individual.

here i am, in my fifth year of graduate school. the doubt has crept in. call it impostor syndrome if you want, but it runs deeper than that. it is an aching incompleteness, a desire to know more, a cheek-reddening shame at knowing less-than. i’ve been able to ignore it for many years, and fill in that incomplete feeling with a sense of progress in my research, in learning the intricacies of my field. right now, though, i feel so burnt-out and lost with my research, and i’m confronted by these feelings in a new and unavoidable way.

so, i’ve cracked open my old copy of Griffith’s Introduction to Quantum Mechanics (the first edition, mind) and have been reading along, taking notes, trying out the problems. i still look at the answer guide when i get stuck, i don’t have enough time in my life to put more than a few hours of work on my plate in a week, but it feels good to play the student again. who knows how long this will last, my little experiment in learning? it could sputtle out tomorrow, or over the holidays, or next month. for now, i’ve set a goal (to read through and take notes on the whole book, chapter by chapter) and i hope i can stick to it. then i could say to myself, “i finally took a quantum course, i encountered the material i should have in undergrad, and if i need to dig deeper, i have the tools to know where to get started.” i really hope that if i can finish this text, i’ll have the bandwidth and wherewithal to try out my old general relativity workbook next.

i’m sure a seasoned quantum expert would scoff at my choice of material and learning technique – i bet i could understand a lot more, a lot better, if i studied using a newer textbook, or cranked out difficult problem sets without access to the answers, or worked in a course environment with lectures or a teachers assistant i could ask questions to. despite those doubts, i’m proud of myself for trying with what i have, at a scope that works for me right now.

i always imagine the horror or pity or scorn one of my peers might visit upon me, if they learned how little i felt i knew about physics. “typical astronomer” or “typical observer” jabs come to mind; each astrophysicist has a little bit of bile tucked away for their peers in different sub-disciplines. many of my friends took courses i felt i should have, at the time, but was too busy or tired or overwhelmed to try at the time. i worry what they might think of me, now, trying to understand what they picked up as common parlance years and years ago. part of me wishes they were here with me now, but studying these more fundamental concepts, i’m reminded of them nevertheless. feeling rewarded by these small achievements in the past week has also helped me let go of those negative feelings, and realize that i’m still capable of learning. it feels good to humble myself, to grapple with and let go of the shame and pity and be honest about trying, earnestly, to understand something from a learner’s perspective again.

there will always be too much to learn, and too little time to do it. i’m sure i’ll always prioritize some topics and forgo others, and opine about what could have been if only. right now, i guess i just want to cover my bases a bit better, encounter some familiar and foreign concepts and solidify my foundational physics. get back to basics, for a little while, in the hopes that with a little more confidence, i can tackle my research with a fresh mindset next year.

until then, clear skies.